When it comes to living our lives, Christ doesn't make up the difference. He IS the difference.

Here is a journal entry of mine from February 6 one year ago. "Just the thought of being alone makes me really lonely.The discovery of the pre-chemo medications was a miracle to our family. Without them, Dave would not be here today. It has enabled him to have the appetite of a normal person, even while the cancerous tumors grow in his stomach and digestive tract. Yesterday and the day before haven't been the best days for Dave. He's spent a majority of the last two days sleeping. (A bad sign for someone you want to live.) He recognizes his sleepiness as a bad sign also. He'll tell me that he wants to get up, but he feels like he could just sleep all day. The night before last he went to bed around 5pm, got up for 1 1/2 hours, and then slept until 10 the next morning. That's over 15 hours. It makes me nervous, and more introspective. Now it seems more real. Now I can see myself being alone- and I don't like it. I don't even like the word. Presid...

Today I celebrate another birthday. My first as a single mom. As the song says, "I can feel the weight on my shoulder." Life goes on and I've got decisions to make, but I don't know which direction I should go. So much weighs on my mind every day. There are decisions that I have to make, but I don't feel adequate to make them. It's amazing to think of all that I have gone through in the last year. It really seems decades ago that Dave was so sick with cancer because so much of life has changed. So many of the things that we always did together, I have had to do alone. Even as I say it though, I have to admit that he has been there each step of the journey. Most especially when he first passed away. I believe that our loving Heavenly Father recognizes that we couldn't handle to lose our loved one's mortal body as well as their spirit, so he allows them to gradually work their way out of our lives. When Dave first passed away, I felt him around constantl...

We love you dad!

Well, thanks to all of you for your love and support thoughout the past years. I just spoke with my friend, Ryan tonight, and after a lengthy discussion . . . it's over. I hate to say it, but it's probably for the best. I need someone who will love me with all of their heart, not just part of it. The most frustrating part for me is the overwhelming spirit I felt in Jerusalem. The Lord can bring someone to you, He can witness to you that it's right, but it's up to you to exercise your agency and pursue the course. Unfortunately, the pathway that Ryan and I were walking on only converged for a brief moment. But in it I found the greatest joy and happiness that I have felt in a very long time. Thanks for the memories. Once again I have to go back to Dave's favorite quote,"Man's extremity is God's opportunity." And Dave's sermon: "Pain and joy are just opposites. The more pain you experience, the greater and more complete your joy....

I was warned by a friend of mine that when boys begin to hit puberty, there is a prolonged absense of common sense for a period of 4-6 years. Well, I think it's here! It's snowing outside, about 40 degrees, and my 10 year old doesn't think he needs a shirt! On top of that, he's throwing snowballs at the windows, he won't stow the scouting flag in the garage where it belongs, and he took the indoor electric space heater and plugged it in outside to keep himself warm. (Altered mental status.) I pulled the space heater in, but when I tried to get him to change the other things, he told me to shut up, smiled, and threw a snowball at me. All I'm asking is, "Where is this boys father?"

I am very grateful that I made the choice to write a blog entry on the anniversary of Dave's passing each and every month. It has served as great therapy for me, and although I've been off by a day or two this month and last, it doesn't change the meaning of my entries. It's been amazing to reflect on what was going on just one year prior. The photo is of our visit to see Katie and Randy's little girl, Jaci. It was a very tender moment with both of them so close to the veil- one coming to earth and one going home. Last January I wrote, "I haven't written in a while. I've been so busy, and life seems to be filled with doctors appointments and running my children around. Dave now goes to the infusion center Tuesdays and Fridays from about 10:30 until 1:00. Then we have regular doctors appointments, pain pump refills, scans, prescriptions, follow-ups, etc. I can't really plan from one day to the next much. If I did I'd surely go insane bec...

"I have just two things to say to you who are troubled about the future. I say them lovingly and from my heart. First, we must never let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. Every person in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty. This is the plan. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities. God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t beli...