Doing The Right Thing For The Right Reason

Divorce

What it is.
It is a big, ugly word that most people don't want to associate themselves with.  I daresay that, in recent years, it has brought more tragedy, more heartache, heartbreak and loss to the citizens of the United States than any of our other "tragic" or "catastrophic" events combined.  It's sad that we take the lead for divorce throughout the world.  I wish "divorced" wasn't one of the titles that I carried.

This is a touchy subject.  There are always two sides and often more.  Divorce is like throwing a pebble into a smooth pond, the ripples extend all of the way to the shore, affecting all that it touches.  When I began to consider divorce, I knew this was true, so I did everything I could to ensure that I was making the correct choice.  Most especially, I wanted to ensure the best outcome for my 3 children that were involved.

It is estimated that 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce and 60% of second marriages.  I guess the odds were never in my favor.  "Feelings of loneliness are more common for children who experience family breakdown  . . .  Children who experience their parents' divorce are less likely to graduate from high school, go to college, or graduate from college once they start.  They are twice as likely to doubt their parents' religious beliefs and less likely to attend church services.  They are at risk for early sexual behavior and pregnancy.  And they are much more likely to experience a divorce when they marry (Successful Marriages and Families p. 79)."

The factor that contributed most significantly to the struggles in our marriage was that it was a second marriage for both of us.  I was a widow.  He was divorced.  Looking back, I'd never match the two again.  We'd both experienced loss but for very different reasons.

How do you know if you should divorce or not?
"Marriage is ordained of God and central to our spiritual and temporal well-being."

I believe the first thing you should consider is this statement by Elder James E. Faust.  "In my opinion, any promise between a man and a woman incident to a marriage ceremony rises to the dignity of a covenant . . . the parties to the marriage . . . must bear the responsibility for the train of consequences which inevitably follow if these covenants are not honored.  In my opinion, "just cause"should be nothing less serious than a prolonged and apparently irredeemable relationship          which is destructive of a person's dignity as a human being.
                                 
At the same time, I have strong feelings about what is not provocation for breaking the sacred covenants of marriage.  Surely it is not simply "mental distress," nor "personality differences," nor "having grown apart," nor "having fallen out of love."  This is especially so where there are children.

Let's analyze this further (see Successful Marriages and Families, pp. 81-82).

Prolonged difficulties
After I'd been contemplating divorce for a few months, I called up my best friend and told her that I wanted out.  "Work on yourself for a year" was her answer. "Then decide."

Wow.  That was not at all what I wanted to hear, but it was exactly what I needed, and I knew she'd come through for me on that account.  Work on myself. That's where my journey really began.

If you're considering divorce, you'd better know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your choice is the best choice.  "Do everything possible to correct [problems]: get rid of the computer (if Internet pornography is an issue0, go to counseling, move (if needed)- whatever it takes."  After all, you will have an accounting to make to your children and to God and you want to be sure you can honestly say, "I did everything I could."

I took 18 months to make my decision, and by the time it was made I knew what the answer was.  The Lord had outlined my two paths and helped me to understand an element of each one of them.  In the end, I chose my eternal family.

Apparently Irredeemable Relationship
Have you done everything within your power to improve yourself?  Have you become a better person?  Have you tried to work together through the problems and fix them?

Remember my post about my husband and I being yoked together and he was resisting my every effort at progress?  I told him we needed counseling.  He made excuses.  I told him to stop threatening.  He changed his words, but his message still came through.

Destruction of Human Dignity
"By this we believe President Faust means that the marital problems have become serious enough over a period of time that an individual begins to lose his or her sense of self worth."

My family talked about the light inside of me going out.  It made me sad to hear them talk about me that way, but I didn't know what to do.  Was it really true?

I hadn't recognized it, but I'd become a part of a codependent relationship.  I asked my counselor how I'd gotten to such a place because my first marriage had been healthy.  I wasn't like this before.

"You become conditioned to do what they want to receive expressions of love from them." My counselor shared. "They withhold love and affection from you.  You want love, so learn to meet their expectations."

I didn't know how deeply I'd been submerged by until I was at the computer and a song began to play, "Find me in my hidden places.  Find me even where the shadows hide.  Light a match. Bring a torch.  Illuminate this deep divide and find me."  It was as if the Lord was sending a narrow beam of light to penetrate the darkness that surrounded me.  My heart was pricked and I began to weep.  Until that point, I didn't even know that I was lost.

I tried.  I really did.  My children saw what was going on and they begged me to get out almost a year before I was ready to.  I knew their relationship with their step-father had become toxic to them also, but I continued to hope he'd change.  I was determined not to have "divorce" as one of my labels.

Finally, the label didn't matter anymore.  He wasn't trying.  I'd given my all and I was no longer willing to sacrifice the emotional health and well-being of myself or my children.  The Lord took me to the fork in the road.  He told me a bit about each path, and He allowed me to choose.

When my time comes to stand before the Lord and answer for my divorce, I will have no hesitation.  I will be able to answer honestly, "I did everything I knew to do."

I believe what President Gordon B. Hinkley said, "There is now and again a legitimate cause for divorce.  I am not one to say that it is never justified.  But I say without hesitation that this plague among us . . . is not of God."

I also believe what Elder Dallin H. Oaks shares, "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resuscitation, it is needful to have means to end it."

My testimony.
I have a testimony of marriage.  I know that families can be together forever, but it takes hard work.  I know that my marriage and sealing to my first husband, David is eternal.  I know that despite his passing away, we can continue to grow together and I hope that if you are contemplating divorce, you take the time to consider the things I have mentioned.  Only the Lord knows what is best for you and your marriage.  Seek Him out.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.