#2 Love and Friendship
"Love as distinct from 'being in love' is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit . . . They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other . . ." -C. S. Lewis
Could we really consider spending the rest of our lives-the rest of eternity-with someone we didn't consider a friend? It sounds like a crazy, unrewarding prospect. Friendship is crucial, but it requires constant, intentional work. Elder Lynn G. Robbins reminds us that "we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not 'fall into,' strong, loving marriages and families."
Christlike love is what leads the way in marriage. A sacrifice of one's one interests for the good of the whole.
For those who know of my circumstance, this begs the question, "Then what happened?"
After my first husband passed away, I remarried and eventually divorced. We didn't follow the counsel that was just listed above.
While I was married to my second husband, I found myself drawing cartoons in my mind that illustrated my feelings. Two of them stand out. One was of me carrying the proverbial Santa bag, it was filled to overflowing and was 4 times larger than myself. I was hunched over, frazzled, and worn. My then-husband was at a desk, talking to a stranger about how he wanted more children, but I was unwilling. In the second cartoon, we were yoked together like oxen, pulling a load. Christ was at the lead, I was in one yoke, and my husband was in the other. I was leaning into the yoke, pulling with all of my might but making very minimal progress because my husband was not just sitting down, he had his heels pressed firmly into the ground, giving all of his strength to resisting my efforts. He wasn't willing to walk by my side. He wanted to take the lead.
In the words of an older primary song, "for some must push and some must pull" but regardless of which way we intend to lend a hand, we must put our energy toward the same cause.
In short, I became too week to continue. In ways, I had become stronger, but I had lost my focus. I had lost my purpose. I had to either give in and go another way, or unyoke myself. I chose the latter.
If you hope to avoid such pitfalls I have some suggestions from my book, "Successful Marriages and Families."
Could we really consider spending the rest of our lives-the rest of eternity-with someone we didn't consider a friend? It sounds like a crazy, unrewarding prospect. Friendship is crucial, but it requires constant, intentional work. Elder Lynn G. Robbins reminds us that "we must make the conscious decision that we will love our spouse and family with all our heart, soul, and mind; that we will build, not 'fall into,' strong, loving marriages and families."
Christlike love is what leads the way in marriage. A sacrifice of one's one interests for the good of the whole.
For those who know of my circumstance, this begs the question, "Then what happened?"
After my first husband passed away, I remarried and eventually divorced. We didn't follow the counsel that was just listed above.
While I was married to my second husband, I found myself drawing cartoons in my mind that illustrated my feelings. Two of them stand out. One was of me carrying the proverbial Santa bag, it was filled to overflowing and was 4 times larger than myself. I was hunched over, frazzled, and worn. My then-husband was at a desk, talking to a stranger about how he wanted more children, but I was unwilling. In the second cartoon, we were yoked together like oxen, pulling a load. Christ was at the lead, I was in one yoke, and my husband was in the other. I was leaning into the yoke, pulling with all of my might but making very minimal progress because my husband was not just sitting down, he had his heels pressed firmly into the ground, giving all of his strength to resisting my efforts. He wasn't willing to walk by my side. He wanted to take the lead.
In the words of an older primary song, "for some must push and some must pull" but regardless of which way we intend to lend a hand, we must put our energy toward the same cause.
In short, I became too week to continue. In ways, I had become stronger, but I had lost my focus. I had lost my purpose. I had to either give in and go another way, or unyoke myself. I chose the latter.
If you hope to avoid such pitfalls I have some suggestions from my book, "Successful Marriages and Families."
- Create a Love map. Get a notebook and jot down what your partner likes and do those tings often. Include their "dreams, joys, fears, likes, dislikes, frustrations, and worries."
- Have "Caring Days." Identify a few loving actions that you would like to receive from your partner. These actions need to be specific, positive and small. For example, "Take me out to lunch.", "List 10 reasons why you love me", "Take the kids to the park," etc.
- Talk as friends. I cannot emphasize this enough. Prior to Dave's passing, he recorded many of our talks as friends. These are priceless treasures to me. We enjoyed discussing so many things together, hypothesizing about what is, what was and what might be. If you don't talk, you lose touch. It's easy to talk about the kids or "to do's" but that should not be where your focus lies. Listen, just like you would to your best friend because hopefully that's who they are.
- Respond to bids for connection. If someone looks at you, look back. If they touch you, acknowledge it. If they talk to you, answer.
- Set goals to do things together.
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