10 Months

I am very grateful that I made the choice to write a blog entry on the anniversary of Dave's passing each and every month. It has served as great therapy for me, and although I've been off by a day or two this month and last, it doesn't change the meaning of my entries. It's been amazing to reflect on what was going on just one year prior. The photo is of our visit to see Katie and Randy's little girl, Jaci. It was a very tender moment with both of them so close to the veil- one coming to earth and one going home.

Last January I wrote, "I haven't written in a while. I've been so busy, and life seems to be filled with doctors appointments and running my children around. Dave now goes to the infusion center Tuesdays and Fridays from about 10:30 until 1:00. Then we have regular doctors appointments, pain pump refills, scans, prescriptions, follow-ups, etc. I can't really plan from one day to the next much. If I did I'd surely go insane because it seems that nothing goes as planned. We squeeze dance practice, basketball practice, basketball games and scouts in the middle of everything else.

Dave is doing very poorly today. He seems to be on his "death bed" so to speak. He wore himself out staying up from 2am-7am, and has had a lot of other problems with his digestive system. Dr. Te (his new oncologist) has scheduled a CAT scan for tomorrow. Hopefully that will provide us with some answers and some solutions. (If only temporarily.) I can't stand watching him struggle like this. My defense is to just putter busily around the house and ignore his problems.

I kept asking him, 'What can I do? What's wrong?' and he replied in all frankness, 'I'm dying. That is what's wrong.' . . .

People are constantly asking how Dave is and I usually answer, 'Pretty well.' Who wants to hear bad news all of the time? On the other hand, I feel that I can't completely lie to everyone, so 'pretty well' is my response. Lately, though, I feel like I'm lying when I say those words. He isn't doing well at all. He is dying and I'm watching. What am I supposed to learn from this? I'm coming to realize that being independent doesn't always mean you're strong. Sometimes it's the realization of how weak and vulnerable you really are.
You can't be brave without being scared.
Well- I'm scared."

If that isn't a hard dose of reality, I don't know what is. For months and months I watched my husband die. I am grateful that the Lord gave me the opportunity to prepare, or I may well be in an insane asylum today. The Lord knows what all of us are capable of, and He is also capable of giving us the strength to endure the challenges and trials we have been given.

I would say that I am a better person today than I was a year ago, and I hope that I can continue saying that each year for the rest of my life. I've got a long road to tow, and the one thing I've got going for me is that I'm not willing to give up or give in just yet.

Comments

Katie said…
Thanks for your post. I loved seeing that picture. He seemed so interested in her. I remember her lying on your bed and she was just starting to coo and he was talking back to her like he wanted to know exactly what she had to say. She did always get a little calmer around him. stay Strong Georgi we love you
January 25, 2010 at 8:13 PM
Jodi and Dan said…
That is some profound wisdom, Georgia. I am so amazed by all that you've been through and how you have handled it with so much faith and humility. You really inspire me.

I heard that song "The Test" on the radio last Sunday and I sat there and bawled and bawled, thinking of you singing it at Dave's funeral. You were amazing.
January 26, 2010 at 1:37 PM
Losee Family said…
Thanks you for all of your wonderful posts. You truly are amazing. You have such great faith and you inspire many. Love you tonz and hope you are doing well.
January 27, 2010 at 2:06 PM
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